LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS SONG!!!!! WISH I COULD SEE HER IN CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!

I swear I don’t understand Marcus sometimes. He annoys the crap out of me and I just want to smack him. Here’s why he deserves a smack today.

So lately I’ve been hanging out with my friend Alysha <3 I hadn’t told her till tonight that I’ve been dating Marcus. Only because from past conversations (and tonight’s) I know she finds Internet dating weird and long distant relationships to be even weirder. I didn’t mention anything because I didn’t want her to judge Marcus or judge the relationship I’m in. I know online dating has a stigma to it but hey sometimes it really works. Well Marcus asked me the other day if Alysha knew about us, I told the truth and said no. I explained why I hadn’t told her and he said he understood. He said it was fine! Then told he was all texting me (while I was at her apt) saying that I was ashamed of him and who he was, that I was embarrassed of him and he was my dirty little secret. UGHHHHHHH!!!!

That in NO way shape or form has anything to do with it. I love Marcus with all my heart and am so proud of the person he is. I continue to try And explain this to him and he keeps telling me he’s hurt :-( I told him I would fix it and tell her but he says not to and that the hurt is already there. He called me and was like “you dont have to say it back but im just calling to say goodnight and that I love you” I didn’t say I love him back because Alysha was in front of me and I didn’t want her to think anything. And I know I KNOW he did that just to see if I would say it. So of course we hang up and he text me not to call in the morning cuz he didn’t want to talk to me. (lot more text but won’t get into it)UGHHHHHH!!!!

Seriously when did this become about him???? Me not telling certain people has nothing to do with being ashamed or embarrassed. I know how certain people will react so I want them to get to know him first and not judge us or him. This had nothing to do with him, this had to deal with Alysha and how she may react and judge (if she did which she didn’t) Now he is all upset and calls me in a pissy mood. He says nothing is wrong but I can hear the hostility in his voice. Then he tells me he’s not going on his cruise because I dont want him to go (for medical reasons) but that he’s going go France with his friend Adam. Which btw Adam is just fucking psychotic and I don’t trust him. I tell Marcus that he would be in just as much risk going to France with Adam because I know they will be going to clubs and shit. He hangs up the phone because he’s getting wound up and doesn’t want to fight. 30 mins later he text me asking “cruise or France. You decide” I ask him which he honestly wanted. His response “I just do as I’m told” WTF!!!!!!!!!! ugh I tell him to go on the cruise and just to be extra careful and no clubs. He comes back with the whole boat is a club with hundreds of people and that he will go to France with Adam. That a “boys holiday sounds exciting” WTFFFFF!!!!!!

I’m so pissed off now and so annoyed. I don’t even know what the fuck to do. I don’t even know if I’m in the wrong. He fucking said he understood HE FUCKING SAID HE UNDERSTOOD!!!!!!! Don’t tell me you understand a situation and then flip a fucking switch.

Ugh am I wrong???

Maybe Alysha had the right idea in turning full lesbian :-(

Icing on the mother fucking cake: he just texted me saying “Adam said we can go to strip clubs in Paris lol”    YAY isn’t that exciting. Guess I didn’t like the joke 

So I finally got my hair cut after soooo very long. I kept debating because I wanted to keep it long for my sisters wedding but Marcus convinced me to go ahead and cut it before school starts. This is probably the first time I got a real haircut since I was a little girl. I like it but I just don’t know how to style it. Ive gone probably 10 years with my hair up and not doing anything with it and I have lost any ability to styling hair. I tried to blow dry it straight and then flat iron it straight but I just couldn’t figure it out. So here are a few pics. 

P.S I will be donating my hair to Locks of Love <3

So I think I wanted to get married. I don’t think I want an actual wedding though. I hate dressing up and I hate dresses so I don’t want a ceremony. I can do Vegas in maybe a nice dress and some chucks LOL. I would just have to find someone to do my hair and make up cause I know nothing about that kind of stuff. I don’t know if anyone would fly out though. I’m not sure if I want anyone out there to see my get  married. Is it odd that I don’t think I want my family going out there??? Don’t ask me why but I kind of wouldn’t want them to see me get married. Is that weird or what? I think I would probably just want Connie out there but as far as my Mom and Dad I don’t think I want them out there. Friends I’m ok with but family no. Hopefully I can get married after I get my degree cause I want to get married soon. I want to start a life and a family. Well not sure about the family part but I want to start my life with my soulmate 

What the hell!!! Where is this coming from??? 

reallyyyyyy? What am I doing now???

I feel so defeated and out of touch. 

I have a father who tries to bully me into believing in a God.

I have a sister who judges me and my actions.

I have someone is who trying to control who I can and can’t talk to.

I feel so defeated and I feel like I have no one. I truly and honestly can’t wait for next Fall when I’m away from everyone. I just want to suclude myself and not talk to anyone. I don’t feel close to my sister anymore. I feel like she is constantly judging me and not supporting me. I hate it, I fucking hate it. She told me a few minutes ago that I have anger issues which might be true but I can’t help it. I’m done with putting up with bullshit so when it comes around YES I get angry. I’m just tried, tried of everything. I want to get away so bad. I just want a stress free happy moment. 

Cue the depression

If there is a God please please just answer this one prayer of mine. I need him to be real. I need him to exist. I just need him.

No I don’t want to talk about it so don’t even ask

I got in an argument with my sister about an hour ago. She called me spoiled and basically selfish.

Here’s what happened

A couple of years ago I was suppose to send a summer in England with my friend, well things didn’t work out so I had saved a really good chunk of change. Ever since then I have always considered it my traveling money, which is basically what I use it for. I have a checking account that is for everyday use, if I don’t have a lot of money in there then I consider myself broke. Checking = everyday use Savings = traveling money. It’s been like that for years now so it’s nothing new to her.

Well recently I have the opportunity to go to England again for the summer so I wanted to take my laptop in to get fixed. She asked me why I was getting it fixed so soon and not during the summer. I told her it’s because I might be going to England for the summer and that’s when she started bitching. She said that I’m always trying to get people to “take care of me” and that I’m very spoiled. That I always say I dont have money yet I can go on these expensive vacations. (She said a lot more but this is the important stuff) First- I’ve never asked anyone for money. I pay my own way. Second- why is me traveling suddenly bad? I didn’t see her saying anything when I went to Ecuador last summer. Third- I worked damn hard for the money I have. I worked a lot of overtime and saved my money. I bust my ass in school now.

It pisses me off and I wish to god I could go off on her. Don’t I deserve to do what I want with MY money? I worked for every penny! I think it’s very hypocritical of her to say that I get people to “take care of me” when she is the one being taken care of. Oscar pays the bills, Oscar buys the groceries, Oscar gives her money for gas, Oscar takes care of HER!!!! My mom paid for all the paint and supplies so her house could look nice. My dad paid for some to paint her house. Yet I’m the one that’s being “taken care of”

Am I spoiled for still living at home? I am a full time student so it’s not like I’m just doing nothing. And up until a year ago she was living at home too. I’m moving away this Fall to go to school so technically we’ve lived in this house the same amount of years. I don’t understand why people think that just because I don’t have a job means I’m asking for money from people. My mom made the mistake of telling me the same thing a few months back. She apologized the next day and said she wish she could have taken it back the minute it came out of her mouth but pride kept her from doing that. She realized the minute she said it that I had NEVER asked her for money or to pay for anything of mine.

I emailed my sister stating most of this. I had to edit my email because I really wanted to lash out at her. I wanted to seriously hurt her the way she hurt me. She had no right to say the things she said. Now I’m confused. I feel completely and utterly selfish when I shouldn’t. It’s my hard earned money to spend how I see fit, so why am I second guessing myself? Is it because it came from my sister? The sucky part is that we are driving together to St. Mary’s this Friday to visit the campus, I don’t want to be around her at all. I don’t even know what her response to my email will be. I do know that I probably won’t be telling her anything anymore!

Am I wrong in all this? Am I selfish? Am I spoiled?

Ugh I fucking hate this.

I feel alone all of a sudden.

You give me hope just to snatch it away.

You spit daggers at me in the form of I love you

You say you want a future with me but you give it to someone else.

You say you won’t hurt me but that’s all you do

You make me happy just to break me down.

You promise me the world but send me to hell

You say you won’t leave me but you’re running out the door.

I put my trust in you just so you can stab me in the back.

Why do I continue to believe you?

Why do I put myself through this?

I hate you but I can’t stop loving you.

You have my heart

Always and Forever

Stupid wifi has been giving me grief so I wasn’t able to post this sooner